Misery Business

I can't feel the ground. I'm floating in a dark space trying to find a light. A light of hope, a light of compassion, I'd even settle for a light of clarity. Right now I don't have anything to make me feel worthwhile.

I understand my past is tarnished, I tainted it knowingly. I continually chose my selfish excuses at the expense of your heart. A heart that was willing to love me through anything. But is it a heart that can believe in who I am now, or will it continue to beat in the past?

I am not who I was, yet every time the opportunity allows your thoughts to go back to our past, it feels as though you seize that opportunity. Again and again.

I beat myself up almost daily. Every day I look at my son and regret the situation in which he was brought to me. I look at my daughter and wonder what she would have been like if she had taken his place. I hate knowing how much it hurts you to love him, I know that pain. I felt it every day he was growing inside me. The same days that you fought for him as well as for me.

You always choose to believe that I chose casual sex with a douchebag over the real love that you offered. I'm guessing that you believed that I whispered lies to you during our communications. Someone who loves another wouldn't act as I did. Once again, it's not about you and the universe that you were prepared to give me. It was me and the doubts that I placed on my self. I doubted that I would be able to be the Queen you wanted me to be. I doubted that I would be enough, that after a while you would see through the cracks and choose to leave.

Before we were together we broke up. I felt myself shatter knowing that you weren't going to be there on the other end of the line. If that was catastrophic then I knew that I could never experience losing you after sharing our love. I was scared on multiple levels in regards to you. So I chose to stay on my side of the fence, hoping that one day you would choose someone who was worth your love.

We are together now. You chose to marry me and love me and my children as your own. You chose to create a life with me, a child you dreamed of long ago cried her first breathes. Our bloods running through her veins. Yet you still doubt me. I'm still a lying cheating whore in some sense. We went out of town and it was time for bed. You chose to lose sleep by sleeping on a couch because you thought the bed we were about to lay in was one I had been with others in. In truth it was a bed that I purchased and consummated with you, but you didn't realize that. I woke up without you.I asked you what you were doing on the sofa, and you said you couldn't sleep. I knew that there was some bullshit reason for your bullshit statement. You then text me about what happened, your dreams of my infidelity and your thoughts of laying on my indiscretions. I replied with the truth of where I slept. Yet that whole day I didn't even want you to touch me. I didn't want to look at you, I didn't want to be there with you. Because it might not have been the same bed, but it's the same person. And that is how you are always going to see me.

I am miles away from my family and friends. I have no where to go within this house or this city and feel like I belong. I lay in this bed wondering why I'm here. Why you chose to be with me, yet you choose to see me for all of my mistakes. We were on Skype yesterday and I was telling you about this post. A story similar to the one your friend is going through right now. Yet at the end of our discussion this is what I get: "if ive told you once ill tell you 1000 times, you are doing me no favors by keeping an affair from me, i dont want to be double dickin any woman, SPECIALLY my wife, if you want out just tell me... it'll suck, but id rather know before hand than find out and be caught off guard...". Uh, okay. So apparently I'm still the cheater. But your the one posting pics of your workout progress. Pics of your upper body. Pics that you knew I didn't want you to post.

I have dreams that you choose to be with other people. Dreams that involve you cheating on me, or leaving me, or blatantly disrespecting our union. You have dreams that involve you cheating, and you also have dreams about me cheating. I guess the ones about me cheating are more believable than any other.

As I continue down this rabbit hole I pray that you decide to either live in the days we have now or find someone else who will love you better than me.