Poker Face

As much as I thought I was tough, it feels as though I am constantly shown how weak I can be. Mostly in regards to my relationship with the love of my life.

About him: a real man who has beliefs, morals, and a dream for a better future. A father who has handled the majority of the responsibility in raising his daughter, even through the adversities of his ex and her bitch ass mama. Teaching his daughter lessons for a better life, not allowing her to dumb herself down to be "cool", and supporting her when she does the right thing and the world doesn't care. A creator of music, he has an artistic side that I don't get to see firsthand, but I love his music. I wish I had a voice to sing and collaborate with him, but I wouldn't want to ruin his equipment. A lover of things unperfect, mostly in the form of me.

We first met on the blogosphere in 2007. He fell in love with my mind before my body. Something that I had never experienced, it scared me to know that what he was offering was real. Even though I said I craved a real love, I had it right there in front of me and I kept trying to get around it and ran away at every chance. I used our zip code difference as an excuse.

Even through all of our trials and tribulations he fell in love with me on multiple levels in various circumstances. To this day I still don't feel worthy of a love like his. He has lost friends, been judged and verbally beaten for choosing to love and support me. He finds me beautiful even on my worse days, he knows when something is wrong even when I deny it. We usually get twisted up in each others thoughts and I truly believe we are soul mates.

He has a past that isn't nearly as tainted as mine. Yet when he brings up people and situations involving love and lust I can't help but feel a pang of guilt and a pinch of jealousy. It's strange, and even I don't understand it. I am the one that ran from him in to the arms of another. I am the one that found out I was pregnant when we were just starting to come together again. I found myself with a child from someone that was a casual hook-up instead of a deeper love with my true love. He had the opportunity to leave us alone, but he never left me. He was there when I was beating myself up, dealing with my consequences, accepting my responsibility yet questioning my reasons and beliefs. He dealt with that, he deals with it on a daily basis. Yet I get upset over hearing him talk about getting head from a random broad some million years ago.

I trust him with my life, my love, and my soul. I know that he loves me and he is in it until the end of time. But there are still those times when I doubt myself. I doubt that I'll be able to be everything he needs and wants until our last breaths. I still worry that some other woman without all the damage, pain and past will come along and show him a life without all the intricacies of ours. I am a snooper, a HARDCORE hacker. I don't think I do it out of distrust, I don't know what my reasons are exactly. I went through his phone once and found a text to an un-saved number:
"I'm so so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. Full is not heavy as empty, not nearly."

Of course all the wrong thoughts popped in my head, and I put myself in an emotionally guarded state. He knew something was wrong and he asked about it. I told him I went through his phone, and that I knew it was wrong. Then I told him about what I read that upset me. I can't remember the exact words he used to basically say "it isn't what you think it is" and that was as much as he was going to explain. That was sometime in April. It is 1 day away from August and I've never gotten an explanation or even a mention. I know that if the situation were reversed, I wouldn't have gotten off the hook so easily. He has issues with my past and I believe to an extent he is still worried about me leaving him or cheating and in NO WAY, SHAPE, or FORM would I have been able to have him read a text like that without some sort of interrogation. It still lingers in my mind. I still get scared when he's on his phone a lot, even though I understand it's a part of his music business. I just wish I could be as tough as I proclaim when it comes to him. The game isn't the same when you risk losing big.

1 comment:

  1. I love the line "A lover of things unperfect, mostly in the form of me." I might have to borrow that.

    Sounds like you have everything you could ever ask for in a partner. All the best to you.