Never Enough

Fuck I forgot about this song....


This was my song in the worst of times, windows down driving home from a night shift. Kept me from contemplating suicide because it allowed me to rage the fuck out without getting all weepy.

And then this...The fucking guitar just sings to meeeee

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Runaway

I have always been one to leave rather than be consumed by whatever it is that is causing my distress. I choose to remove myself from situations that require more time and energy than I have to put in. Sometimes I leave prematurely and sometimes it's way too late.

My heart has been broken since before I even knew what love was. Lies and unfulfilled promises damaged and bruised my spirit. Hope is a foreign concept to me and faith is somewhere over a rainbow that never appears.

I don't believe that coming from divorced parents affects me in a major way, I was too young to see their highs or their lows and it always seemed natural to me that they weren't together. The thought of them together or even in love is a lot more mind bending. I grew up with immigrant grandparents that came from a generation that believed in hard work and doing what was necessary to take care of themselves. This left little room for love, reassurance, and the many life lessons that others seem to have been blessed with. My dad called as often as he could, and if he was living in the state he would pick me up on the weekends. I love my Papa Bear very dearly and I don't believe that I have any daddy issues. My mom however is a different story. Not too long after her divorce from my dad she was with another guy, they moved to another city. She was able to live her life with no baggage. Her two daughters were fed and clothed and the arrangement seemed to be beneficial for her. She always tells me of how much it hurt her to leave us or not have us, but I can't seem to empathize with her. Of course I was a child, and I'll never really know all of the aspects of the situation, but it seemed like she never even tried.

This past summer I was contemplating allowing Ali to stay in 813 where she could be with her Nana and my mother, where she would get the attention and a life that I felt I wasn't providing. It absolutely broke my heart to even think of her staying somewhere without me in her life. Since she's been born I've been the primary caretaker, I've had a lot of help from friends and family along the way, but the majority of the responsibility fell on my shoulders. Her dad has never had the same convictions to care for his daughter to the best of his ability. He never tried...a bit like how I view my mother. I thought that the best way to take care of my family was allowing my first true love to live outside of my home. What hurt just the same was knowing that while she was somewhere else I would be putting my time and energy in to Yah who could give two shits about what I do for her. In the end I decided I would give it another shot, and that I would try to make sure Ali got all of the love and attention that she needed.

I have not made the best decisions in life. Mistakes to include: Cheating, Lying, Stealing, Sex, Drugs and Rock-n-Roll. Well the closest I got to R-n-R was Rockband, but at one point I kicked ass on those fake ass drums! I have had 2 children out of wedlock. I've never been to jail. I've never even been in a fight, I guess my height and stature has always been intimidating enough. I've tried to help people whenever they need it, whether its helping friends move after being up for over 24 hours, pushing a Buick [by myself] because a lady was stuck in the middle of the road, or creating resumes for those that are unemployed. I have been honest and respectful, I look at the bigger picture. I care enough about my children that even though I don't spank as often as I should, I believe in discipline. I believe in providing all of their needs and a few of their wants. I believe in common courtesy and I possess a decent amount of common sense. I am good and I am evil, dark and light, fair and unjust. I am human. Imperfect from my first breath until my last.

It's times like today, when I am consumed with fear that I will never be everything you want, that I want to leave. I want to run until I can run no further. It's not to say that I don't want to stay, because I do with all of my heart and soul. But I would rather hurt from being alone than from never being fully accepted.

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You Can't Always Get What You Want

To start, I'm a pretty sensitive person. I, at times, take things personal or make them more than what they are worth. However right now I feel pretty justified in my hurt feelings. I can't really talk to Mr. Fox about it because it feels like he hears me as complaining or talking crap about his daughter. I don't know if that is actually how he feels, but I know not too long ago Ali couldn't do anything right and it seemed like every time something was said about her it was negative, and I was just overwhelmed with sadness for my daughter. Here I go moving her away from everyone and everything she knows. I throw her in to a house with people who only seem to be irritated by her presence and she can't even catch a break. So one day, after hearing yet another story of how she blew Mr. Fox's sister's mind about something and then hearing Yah be unreasonably rude to her I took her out of the house for a smoothie and to just talk to her.

I talked about how I kept giving passes to Yah because so many things have changed in her life and somehow I forgot that it's changed just as well for her. Maybe not to the same degree, but in a child's life change is change. I explained to her that she has to be aware of other people's feelings and attitudes. If someone starts to have an attitude, leave them alone. Don't put yourself in a position to have your feelings hurt. Don't follow after someone who can't even respect you enough to acknowledge your words and respond without an attitude, if they respond at all. I also let her know that things are different in the things that I expect from her. She's older and she's a big sister and she can't be so rambunctious. We had a pretty good day. I was able to get away from all of the tension and stress in the house. I was able to take out the main stress inducer and hopefully give Mr. Fox and Yah a break as well as some time together.

Of course this blew up in my face. Yah made comments to Mr. Fox that I never take her anywhere and why wasn't she allowed to go and normal things a kid would say. I had my reasons for not taking her, and the main reason was stress. The couple of times that I have taken her and Ali somewhere she's been rude to Ali, she walks a distance away from us, she wanders off to look at stuff and gets dramatic if Ali follows, and she sulks and has her arms crossed the whole time. So why would I want to take her? My main goal was to allow her time to breath and spend time with her dad, but of course all she saw was that she was treated differently. Well, that road runs two ways.

Ali is a positive extrovert who usually means well, even if she's over the top. I'm used to dealing with that type of kid. Yah is an introvert and moody, and I am not used to it. Last year it caused a lot of stress for me dealing with the change of moving in with someone, being pregnant, becoming a Step Mom to someone who became defensive with me and just dealing with the emotions and attitude from her. Most of it was the pregnancy, I felt a whole lot better when I wasn't growing a human inside of me. I was able to be calmer and more patient and try to be less sensitive.

This year has started out pretty good, and I was really hoping it would continue, but after only a month I'm worried it's fallen back in to scary territory. Yah is at each parent's house alternating weeks. The first week she wanted to spend at her mom's, the second week she was here it was normal. Last week was her mom's and this week just started yesterday and I am looking forward to Monday. From the second she walked in the door on Monday she had an attitude. She hasn't said hello to me once and this morning when I said bye to them, she walked right past me and out the door. I almost stuck my head out the door and asked her why she felt the need to be rude so early in the damn morning. But I left it alone, because if she's going to start her day off shitty, it won't be because of me she's capable of it all by herself.

For her birthday I went out of my way and baked her a three layer red velvet cake with cheesecake for the middle layer. I don't even like cheesecake, but I made it because that's what she wanted. I spent way over my budget for her school clothes and supplies while her mom sat back and talked shit. I've been worried about how her hair is because her mom put a chemical in it. Every day that I've seen her dropped off at the bus stop by her mom she looks like she stuck a fork in the socket and her hair is still sizzling. I felt bad because I don't want the kids at school talking crap about it. I also wondered why she didn't tell her mom about it frizzing up and being crazy, because whenever I've done her hair that's one of the first things she asks me about, "What do I do if it frizzes up?". I've done all of these things because I do care about her and her well being. I want her to have cake on her birthday and if I could have done more I would have. These are what I do for my children, and even though nobody thinks so I do consider her one of mine.

But what did I get for my birthday? She text me that day to ask if we were going to pick her up to go to Mr. Fox Senior's House [he was supposed to have a cookout, but he never got back with us]. Before she left she made it clear she knew the date of my birthday [the 3rd] and the day [Monday] and the fact that I would be able to spend my birthday with Ali. But did she wish me a happy birthday? Nope. The next day on the bus she told Ali that she knew it was my birthday but forgot to text me and she would call me to tell me happy birthday. Did she do it? Nope. So the next morning I took Ali to the bus stop and she came up and said happy belated birthday. Did I care at that point? Nope.

So of course when she got here on Monday I asked her if she asks her mom about what to do with her hair since it's frizzed up. She said, "What frizz?" to which I pointed to her head and said, "All of that frizz". She said, "Oh when it's out I want it to frizz up, it's just if it's put back I don't want it to frizz." What the fuck kind of logic is that? I would rather have a few frizzies on my head than my whole head of hair to be sticking out in all different directions.  Whatever, so I put it in two braids. I have an extensive hairstyle planned [flat twist updo] but with homework and running the house I don't have the time to put in to it yet, so I planned to do it this weekend after I deep condition her hair. I didn't do Ali's hair last night, so this morning I put her hair in a ponytail this morning and as I was putting it in Yah asked if she needed to wet her sides. I told her no. Water is just going to make it frizz up more, and her hair wasn't even that frizzy. I guess that's what pissed her off this morning, because last year Bitters kept talking shit about how I would do Ali's hair in the morning and not Yah's. Uh, you dumb bitch, Yah's hair stays in a style. If I don't do Ali's hair I have to do it in the morning. But of course I can't do shit right by anyone. So now I feel like I should just take her hair out of the braids and put it back in the style her mom had it in. Since no matter what I do it just isn't enough for her.

I don't know where to go from here or how to navigate my way through all of this. If she was Ali I would have set her straight this morning and every other time she's gotten attitude with me. But I feel like I have to be more patient and accepting of her attitude and it's wearing me thin. I don't really have anyone to talk about it to. I can't talk to Mr. Fox, none of my friends have experience dealing with step-children, my mom doesn't have that experience either. I could ask my dad, but I dunno. I'm just going to keep my distance I guess and try to figure out what to do. I am going to confront her about this morning and the afternoons when she feels like she doesn't have to acknowledge my presence. I am going to tell her that it hurt my feelings about the birthday thing, and I'm going to tell her that she can't treat people like crap and then expect things from them. Or maybe I won't since I'm not one for confrontation. Like I said, I'm just lost about it all.

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Stupid Hoe

I have never understood the logic of a simple bitch. Bitches who can never seem to say something worthwhile. They always take advantage of the opportunity to present themselves as ghetto as possible. Look at others for handouts and blame them for their downfall. If you haven't guessed by now, I'm at the edge of my patience in dealing with Bitters.

So to start, she's a two-faced bitch who has not spoken to me once without trying to intimidate me or call me names. She's responsible for a lot of unnecessary drama and I keep myself pretty guarded and straight faced when it comes to her. I would never talk shit to her, about her or any of that in front of Yah. She doesn't respect me in the same manner. She has stated that she's "been nice" to me and I'm rude to her. Uhm, smiling in my direction does not concise being nice. However, If I don't like someone, I don't like them and that's all there is to it on my part. I don't feel the need to play pretend or be two-faced or remind myself of why I graduated from high school. Yes I CAN be a bitch, I love pulling out the right comment and tone when it's called for. But not ONCE have I said a word to her that could be portrayed as "being a bitch".

This week was the first week of school for the girls and Yah was with her mom for the week. That meant that Bitters is picking Yah up from the bus stop every day, and she's been giving Ali a ride home. I did not feel comfortable with this for a few reasons.
Reason 1: I don't want my daughter to impose on someone's time, whether it's Bitters or not. It may not be far and it may be of no trouble to her but I don't want Ali to just EXPECT a ride home. Mr. Fox's sister also picks up her brood from the stop and I told her to only ride with her if she OFFERED.
Reason 2: We live like 5 walking minutes from the bus stop, there are a bunch of kids walking at the same time and I just felt like she would be alright to walk. I did it, my husband did it, your grandma's sister's husband's cousin did it, she will be alright.
Reason 3: I have never had one pleasant word with Bitters, so it's safe to say I have never had a conversation about her giving Ali a ride. I don't feel comfortable with the situation when I have never even talked to her about it.
Reason 4: I don't trust that she was giving her a ride with no strings attached. Sure it might be all smiles and giggles for right now, but one day she's going to pop off at the mouth and tell me that I'm not shit because she's dropping my daughter off.

So to avoid any further drama or hurt feelings, I told Ali that she is to walk home, rain or shine, and only to get a ride if Mr. Fox's sister offers, nobody else.

Ali gets off the bus and Yah expects her to get in the car. Ali then explains that her mom doesn't want her to ride with anyone and only go with Mr. Fox's sister if she offers a ride. So Bitters got pissed and was about to leave but Yah [being a big sister] was concerned and offered to walk Ali. While walking, Yah tells Ali, "I'm not trying to be mean but that was rude for your mom to say that". About halfway home, Ali then told Yah that I would be mad if I saw Yah walking her home because she is supposed to walk alone.

Obviously I never told her anything like that, I'm quite touched that Yah was concerned about her sister and was being responsible. Of course I wouldn't have been mad if she walked her all the way home. I would have felt sorry for her having to double walk in the heat for no reason, but that's the only thing that would have had me in any type of upset. But of course you can't expect a 7 and 10 year old to fully understand that without further explanation. Which I plan to explain later tonight. I am upset by her remark about how I was rude and what not. I believe as a 10 year old you should not be talking like that about a parent of yours. I know all kids do it, but it's not right. I am going to talk to Mr. Fox about that one because maybe I'm just overly sensitive about it.

Okay on to the main point in this story. Tell me how this turned in to Bitters talking shit to Mr. Fox. Telling him that if I have something to say to her that I need to tell her and not send a message through a child [which she has done herself on multiple occasions]. The only reason he called her phone was to talk to Yah and tell her happy birthday. He tells her that I don't operate like that, I don't send messages through kids, I wasn't sending her a message and that Ali was simply stating why she was walking home. He continuously tells her he is not going to be put in the middle of it. She tells him, "well you tell that bitch to get off her fat lazy a---", at that point he hung up. They then went back and forth through text about it all, and he basically told her that if she needs to say something then she can say it to me, he's not going to relay her messages for her. She is now telling him that she doesn't want Yah left alone with me.....

Can someone please explain how in the hell me having my child walk home to not impose on other people's time or resources turned in to her not wanting Yah to be left alone with me. Uh bitch you had no fucking problem with it when you ran off for some dick a few months back.

I am tired of her drama. I am exhausted trying to wrap my brain around her words and impulses. I'm not sure if she is trying to say she doesn't want Yah here with me so that she can have her full time and try to file for child support because she has no job. Which would be the only thing she's done that would make sense to me. My husband came home in a mood, clearly irritated, and I hate that it's due to some unnecessary bullshit. So I am trying to get him out of the middle and I sent her a message on Facebook. She has yet to respond...

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Beautiful Life

Boy oh boy the past week+ has been hectic and stressful and at times wonderful. We picked up Ali on Sunday, and I was so happy to see her. I'm used to her leaving for the summer with her dad but this year I really did start to miss her. She is such a positive person, and I really hope she stays that way. Her and Yah Yah got along pretty well, even when Yah had reached her Ali limit she was still calm and respectful when she asked to have some alone time. However Ali did not want to give it to her, so I had to make sure I talked to her about it. Something she needs to work on is respecting other people's space & time and also discerning when people aren't in the mood to socialize. I know it's hard on her because she really just loves to be around other people and be involved, but as of right now she is the ONLY social butterfly in the house.

I really have a positive outlook on this year as far as the girls getting along. Yah Yah seems to be in a much better place than she was last year. I think since Bitters came back it's helped her relax a little more. She also gets to be "the only child" when she goes over there, which is great since she has been used to that for 9 years. It's understandable that she needs the quiet and sometimes attention that she was used to. It's also nice that she is starting to acclimate a bit better to the home life at our house. She is a GREAT big sister, she is very helpful with the 2 youngest and that is something that helps out tremendously with the running of our household. And now that she is more open to Ali and me, I really think we are starting to find our groove.

Yah went back to her mom's last Wednesday, she wanted to be there for the first week of school. We really had no problem with it, but Mr. Fox had to reiterate to her a couple of times that the clothes, shoes and supplies we bought her for school will be staying her. Last December Yah went to PA to her mom's for Christmas break. She packed all of her decent clothes. When she came back her she didn't have ANY of her jeans and skinnies. She brought back the same luggage as well as a couple other bags, but none of her stuff was in it. Just her tops and whatever presents [that wasn't clothes] they got her. Needless to say we were pretty pissed about it. So her mom tells her that she is going to ship her clothes, never did. She did bring them back with her in May, a couple weeks before school was out. Even though they were brought back, they still haven't been brought back home. From what I've been told and exposed to, this is nothing new for Bitters. When something is taken over to her [mom's] house it never comes back. It happened to Yah's phone, DS Charger, Clothing, Shoes, Deodorant and anything else. Mr. Fox would usually buy 2 of everything so that 1 could be kept at each residence. Not only do we not have the funds to do that with everything [especially clothing] I think he's finally realized that he can't keep doing her job. I realized that with Ali's dad a couple years ago, and to this day I still pick up the slack and it sucks but you just have to do your part it's not fair to do it all while they get to live the good life. No responsibilities or priorities that involve your child's well being and future.

So Bitters decides to call Mr. Fox and tell him how shitty he is for not going to the first day of school. He stayed home with the babes while I took Ali. We figured it would be fine for both Yah and Ali to have their moms there. He also had already spoke with Yah and let her know that even though he won't be there the first day of school, he is going to Open House. He also makes it a habit to attend anything that is important to her, like the Spelling Bee that she placed 2nd in :) Well she's telling him that it was important to Yah and he should have been there, in which he set her straight saying he already talked to his daughter and she didn't give a shit. Then she proceeds to tell him that because of his antics and Yah not having new clothes she was going to be getting money from her Aunt's new boyfriend to buy Yah some clothes. Uhhhh What.The.Fuck are you talking about? I don't understand how she is able to blame other people for her daughter not having new clothes [at her house]. She is the one who is 30, living with her mom, with no job or motivation to get a job, and nothing to her name. She is the one who let her daughter spend her $100 [from Christmas and Birthdays] on clothes and yet she still doesn't have any clothes. Oh because you let her buy a watch and accessories and probably pocketed the rest. Not only that, but because of YOUR antics and not making sure she had her good clothes for the rest of the school year, she doesn't have any of her new clothes over there.

I bought Yah her school supplies last year, and again this year. I bought her clothes this year. Her dad got her a couple outfits and a couple pairs of shoes. She has what she needs and it's staying here. She chose to spend the first week at her mom's house when she knew she wouldn't have new outfits for the first week of school. Obviously that wasn't even important to her. But who's the one making a big deal and taking money from a stranger for her responsibilities? Yeah...okay. Also because funds are tight, I bought the majority of her clothes from the thrift store. I really don't see the big deal, but when he mentioned that even though we don't have money to make it rain, we made due and got her clothing from the thrift store. She had the nerve to suck her teeth and turn her nose up. Tell me, how do you not provide shit for your kid, not even secondhand, and you have the audacity to judge us on how we do it.

I have never viewed the thrift store as a shitty place. I know that most people associate it with being poor and such, but I don't. I see it as being THRIFTY. I was able to get her 5 pairs of jeans, 2 capris and 4 shirts for $40. No way would I have been able to get her all of that for that price anywhere else. On top of the savings she has 4 pairs of Express jeans. I don't even own any Express [anymore]. I really don't feel bad about buying her secondhand clothing. I even got myself a pair of Vera Wang booties for $7.99, take that skunt.

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Summertime

The end of summer is fast approaching. Just a couple of weeks left before school starts. As much as I miss Ali, I'm unsure as to how well this year is going to go. Last year was a MESS. It was unplanned, unorganized, and stressful as hell. Yah Yah and Ali are like Red and Cyan on the color spectrum, complete opposites.

So rewind a bit. December of 2010 I decided to stop running and love the man who loved me. At the time I was living in 407, I just had a baby that November, and I was living in my own apartment for the first damn time. Ali's dad was living with me to help take care of her since I worked nights and weekends. As much as I loved having my own place, I was tired of watching a grown ass man do absolutely nothing for his daughter. I knew that she loved having both of us around, I just didn't want her to think that what he provided as examples were all there was to life. I was tired of working nights and weekends and relying on him to be there when I couldn't. I ended up moving to 813, which was an additional hour and a half away from where Mr. Foz lived. My ex-Mother in Law's job was hiring. I would be working Mon-Friday and I would be making $3 more an hour. I figured it was going to be better, even if it was harder on our long distance relationship. I knew that I wasn't going to be with anyone but him and we wanted to take it slow, especially since there was Yah and Ali to think about. We were planning on getting everyone acclimated in the coming year and then I would eventually move to 904 where he lived.

Well after being in 813 for 5 months, they layed me off. For the first time ever I was let go from a job. I was pretty bummed about it. Even though I had planned on moving in a couple of months, it was a shock and a change to a plan that I didn't expect. I was also pregnant. "But you just had a baby!", believe me, I know. I was not planning or wanting another baby for at least a couple more years. Mr. Fox however decided that he had waited long enough, his only daughter was about to be 9 and he felt like he was getting old and didn't want to wait any longer. So I took that one for the team, I sacrificed my comfort and my body to give him something that he had been waiting for. I was okay with that.

So it was July 2011 and I moved to 904. Ali was in Georgia with her dad, so that was one less thing I had to worry about at the moment. I will say, with the experience of moving 5 times in the past 2 years I am one hell of a packer and mover. Pregnant or not, when I arrived to the house
[he was at work] I unloaded my car, unhitched the car trailer, backed in the 17 ft truck, then unloaded everything except my couches and table top. One trait I get from my dad, I've never been one to wait on a knight in shining armor. My mom on the other hand would have had at least 2 male friends on standby to help her unload, but I can't knock her for it, she gets shit done without breaking a sweat.

Yah Yah came home a couple of days later to a house filled with boxes and new kitchen appliances and I know it was a shock to her system. He had told her that I was moving in, but the reality was crowding her once minimalist style home. I had replaced his microwave with mine, since it was newer and his would stay on if the knob was past a certain point. She was in the kitchen, and then asked him "where's my microwave". I knew that from that moment it was going to be an uphill battle.

When I first had the pleasure of meeting Yah, even though I had known about her for a few years, it went pretty smooth. She seemed to like me, but at the time she was still under the influence of her mother. Her mother has not made our merger any easier. She puts blame on me for ruining her and her ex-husband getting back together. She doesn't even know anything about me, but constantly ran her mouth about me and Mr. Fox to her mother and friends usually in the presence of her daughter. Whether Mr. Fox and I were together she would be running her mouth about him and whoever he was with, or even just about him. She came to the house one day, when Mr. Fox was at work. I guess she was trying to mark her territory, but it didn't phase me at all and I think that pissed her off more. One thing she said to me was "this was my house, and that was my husband", well bitch that ship sailed a long time ago, but I just stared through her the entire time. She would try to get info about what was going on from her daughter. She didn't allow her daughter to have a choice in how she wanted to deal with the change. Then when Ali came home, it was worse. No matter what Ali did, Yah made it a point that she didn't want to deal with her.

A couple of months go by, and Bitters decides to move 800 miles away. Great! So you plant all these seeds of hate and insecurity in your daughter, like telling her that her dad has a new family now and isn't going to be there for her, and then you decide to leave her. That makes complete sense! So on top of the stress from the girls not being able to get along we then had to deal with Yah Yah feeling like her world was flipped turned upside down. It was really hard for me to deal with her for a couple of reasons. I was pregnant, and pregnancy can make you crazy. I know when I was pregnant with Jammy, I would have a lot of frustration and irritation floating around and I would take it out on Ali. She would constantly downplay anything I did [like her hair] and mention how great her mom was. I felt like no matter what I did I was never going to be appreciated. Before the school year I went and bought all of her school supplies because I knew her mom couldn't. Instead of any appreciation, it just went unnoticed. I tried to do stuff for her birthday, but all I got was an "Oh yeah, thanks" brush off. It was really hard for me. It's still hard for me. I am very guarded when I know someone is constantly scrutinizing and comparing me to someone else, especially if I know that person doesn't do half the shit that I do. I felt like she was never going to allow me to be the Stepmom that I was excited about being.

I absolutely loved my Stepmom, and with my mom not being there I gladly accepted the love and lessons she was giving to me. But in this scenario, I feel like I'm not appreciated and no matter what it will never be good enough. I really don't know how to handle all of this. Ali is 3 years younger than Yah, so there are some things that I do for her or help her with for obvious reasons. But it seems as though Yah takes my actions in the wrong way, as if I wouldn't help her because I don't like her.

I'm just really hoping that this year will be different. I know Mr. Fox has been dreading the day they come back mostly because of how stressful the past year has been. I really wish there was something that I could do to help him feel better about everything but I know it's mostly things that are out of our control. Life is really hectic right now and the smallest amounts of tension throw us off balance. I am looking forward to a more relaxed pace sometime in the near future.

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Misery Business

I can't feel the ground. I'm floating in a dark space trying to find a light. A light of hope, a light of compassion, I'd even settle for a light of clarity. Right now I don't have anything to make me feel worthwhile.

I understand my past is tarnished, I tainted it knowingly. I continually chose my selfish excuses at the expense of your heart. A heart that was willing to love me through anything. But is it a heart that can believe in who I am now, or will it continue to beat in the past?

I am not who I was, yet every time the opportunity allows your thoughts to go back to our past, it feels as though you seize that opportunity. Again and again.

I beat myself up almost daily. Every day I look at my son and regret the situation in which he was brought to me. I look at my daughter and wonder what she would have been like if she had taken his place. I hate knowing how much it hurts you to love him, I know that pain. I felt it every day he was growing inside me. The same days that you fought for him as well as for me.

You always choose to believe that I chose casual sex with a douchebag over the real love that you offered. I'm guessing that you believed that I whispered lies to you during our communications. Someone who loves another wouldn't act as I did. Once again, it's not about you and the universe that you were prepared to give me. It was me and the doubts that I placed on my self. I doubted that I would be able to be the Queen you wanted me to be. I doubted that I would be enough, that after a while you would see through the cracks and choose to leave.

Before we were together we broke up. I felt myself shatter knowing that you weren't going to be there on the other end of the line. If that was catastrophic then I knew that I could never experience losing you after sharing our love. I was scared on multiple levels in regards to you. So I chose to stay on my side of the fence, hoping that one day you would choose someone who was worth your love.

We are together now. You chose to marry me and love me and my children as your own. You chose to create a life with me, a child you dreamed of long ago cried her first breathes. Our bloods running through her veins. Yet you still doubt me. I'm still a lying cheating whore in some sense. We went out of town and it was time for bed. You chose to lose sleep by sleeping on a couch because you thought the bed we were about to lay in was one I had been with others in. In truth it was a bed that I purchased and consummated with you, but you didn't realize that. I woke up without you.I asked you what you were doing on the sofa, and you said you couldn't sleep. I knew that there was some bullshit reason for your bullshit statement. You then text me about what happened, your dreams of my infidelity and your thoughts of laying on my indiscretions. I replied with the truth of where I slept. Yet that whole day I didn't even want you to touch me. I didn't want to look at you, I didn't want to be there with you. Because it might not have been the same bed, but it's the same person. And that is how you are always going to see me.

I am miles away from my family and friends. I have no where to go within this house or this city and feel like I belong. I lay in this bed wondering why I'm here. Why you chose to be with me, yet you choose to see me for all of my mistakes. We were on Skype yesterday and I was telling you about this post. A story similar to the one your friend is going through right now. Yet at the end of our discussion this is what I get: "if ive told you once ill tell you 1000 times, you are doing me no favors by keeping an affair from me, i dont want to be double dickin any woman, SPECIALLY my wife, if you want out just tell me... it'll suck, but id rather know before hand than find out and be caught off guard...". Uh, okay. So apparently I'm still the cheater. But your the one posting pics of your workout progress. Pics of your upper body. Pics that you knew I didn't want you to post.

I have dreams that you choose to be with other people. Dreams that involve you cheating on me, or leaving me, or blatantly disrespecting our union. You have dreams that involve you cheating, and you also have dreams about me cheating. I guess the ones about me cheating are more believable than any other.

As I continue down this rabbit hole I pray that you decide to either live in the days we have now or find someone else who will love you better than me.

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