Love Song

I sleep but my mind is restless. I have been having 2 types of dreams as of late. The first is about my grandmother who recently passed. In the dream I can either hear her or see her, but every time I try to talk to her, I can't. Once, she called me and I answered and she couldn't hear me. I could hear her talking to someone else saying that she didn't know what was wrong with the phone, but she couldn't hear anything. Another one is that she was with me and every time I talked, there were crumbs in my mouth and she (1) couldn't stand that I was talking with food in my mouth and (2) couldn't understand what I was trying to say.

I don't know why I am having these dreams. We had some issues that I never fully confronted, but honestly I let them go. I haven't had any of those issues for a while and even though we didn't sit down and talk it out, I didn't think there was a reason to. I loved her and I miss her now, and it hits me in the most random times. She was a constant, one of the roots of my family tree, and she's gone.

The other dream is about his friend. The one who disrespected me and my marriage. The one who not only continued to hit on him through technology, but also in person. The one he is now choosing to work on a project with, without telling me beforehand. The one who he still talks and makes a part of his daily diet. These dreams fuck with me, because I know I will never get the full story, I will never know everything. They are a constant reminder that he is never going to be transparent.

These dreams make me restless. My heart hurts all the time. I can't talk to him about it.

I was changing my clothes yesterday and it hit me that the act of undressing and being intimate is gone. I will never have that in my life again. I will never open myself up and be loved. I don't think I can trust anyone fully ever again. Not with my heart, my soul and my mind. This relationship has forever changed me. Maybe I'll find someone who doesn't have a problem giving me a compliment, maybe that person will wake up and make breakfast and clean the kitchen, maybe they'll be completely transparent in their communications with others, maybe they'll accept me when I cry, when I laugh at inappropriate times, and maybe even not care that I like to burn one down. Maybe they will be and do all of that, but I'll probably still be too broken to see it, or too scared that I'll fall for it again only to have it taken away.

My greatest love story is over, and now it's just me and the rest of my life.

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Theory of a Deadman

I am absolutely drowning right now and there is no lifeguard on duty.

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Hello

So I guess I'll only make posts in January of a new year. Although I missed 2014, sads. I have so much I need to get out, but it's all clogged up and I don't know where to start.

Work: I am still absolutely happy about where I earn a paycheck. There have been times where I've been stressed or questioning my existence. But for the most part I really enjoy what I do and the people I work with. I've become fairly close with one of my co-workers. She's a bit of a weirdo so we bond pretty well.

Business: Our company has made huge strides. Our financial growth is 400% from last year which is absolutely amazing. It is all thanks to my husband who has done 99% of the work. I've kinda taken a back seat in it all, but I show up when he asks me to. We just put down a deposit on a space for a studio, it's a starter space, but it'll do captain, it'll do. He is expecting to stay there for a year and move on, I'm expecting at least a 2 year residency so we can move more comfortably.

Art: I have added watercolor, calligraphy, lettering, and paper crafting to my hobbies. I absolutely love all of them. I am hoping to one day make my money doing these things. We'll see where it goes. I suck at staying focused and driven in regards to being an entrepreneur. I have tried to start doing makeup for money, but I don't think it interests me that much. I will definitely practice and refine my skills since my husband can utilize me. But I can't see myself building my empire beating faces.

Family: I have no words for this. There has been a lot that has gone on in the past year. I'm not exactly happy about where we are as a unit, but hopefully it's just a season. My step-daughter has absolutely lost her marbles. It's heartbreaking to know that her father has done everything he possibly could to teach her to right way and her mom has actively worked against him. And now that her seeds are starting to sprout she's hands off and wants him to pick up the pieces as he always does. She is 13 and headed where most brown girls go because they don't have anyone to tell them they are worth more than that. The absolute shitty part is she has that. She has people in her life that has tried to lift her up and show her how to love herself and take care of herself. But she is so adamant about being a clone of her mother she has pushed all of that away. Funny thing, she doesn't understand why we don't treat her the same any more. She has done everything in her power to make us feel inadequate as parents and now that we are just accepting the fact that our efforts are futile and diverting the attention elsewhere, she has a problem with that as well. So much more to vent about, but maybe another day.

Life: Hasn't been too dramatic.

Marriage: I feel like we are good friends/companions. I am definitely attracted to him. I just feel like his attention to me is mostly for business and family related things. I am not a high maintenance girl. I also don't have any expectations of surprises or anything. But it would be nice if he showed interest in wanting to at least date me or take me out. Even if it's for a pint or a walk through a park, or one of the many community events that Jacksonville has to offer. But I get nothing. I try to plan excursions or find something for us to do, he does not. I'm the one who goes to the grocery store for bread, but I check to see if they have his Dark Chocolate Almond Milk in stock. He would come back with bread only. I notice when his window needs to be rolled up (our car has an issue), he will drive down the highway for miles with my window down and his up until I ask him to please roll it up. I know he isn't like me in a lot of areas, but I feel like he doesn't even try. He always says he doesn't want to buy me certain presents because he wouldn't like how he would feel if I didn't like it. So I gave him an Amazon list that I always add to. Has he bought anything from it? Nope. When I told him I wanted a DNA mapping for my birthday, did he buy it? Nope. When I told him I wanted some perfume (I don't have any grown up ones, just body sprays), did he figure out one that I would like? Nope. So at this point I'm just used to him not getting me anything, and I've tried to just accept it. But sometimes...just buy a bitch some flowers.

I guess I found a place to start...

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I'm Missing You

I think I finally actually miss blogging.

Updates:
Work: I got a REAL job, my ex's punk-ass-best-friend would be so proud. I mean I've had jobs for the past 14 years of my life, but not only do I own a business that is making strides, I am also working for a real firm doing what I LOVE and what I'm good at.

Art: I don't know when the last time was that I put a sharpie on paper. I bought a new journal in hopes that it will be filled with my doodles, lines and swirly things. So far...I've drawn a tree.

Words: I was really going to start a journal, but I prefer for the only person to read my shit be Google. I have nosy kids and I don't think they could handle my raw talent of wordplay. Besides, I have to talk about them. So I think that is why I will TRY to be back on here when I can.

Family: My babies are getting older. The girls are still ungrateful but at least their relationship is NOTHING like it was before.

Husband: I am still confused by this whole marriage thing. There are ups and downs as usual. Right now I feel like he takes every chance he can to not be near me. I'm out of ideas at the moment.

Everything else, well it's Life as usual.

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Joe's Head

There are certain parts of my past that I regret. Especially when it comes to Mr. Fox and our past. There are times that I think about things that make me cringe. Times that I know he was waiting in the shadows, loving me from a distance, a distance that I insisted on only to do my dirt as I pleased. I regret all the time we missed out on and the changes in our timeline that could have happened if only I would have jumped.

One of our first dates was a movie. A movie that I really wanted to see, because of my crush on Shia Lebouf, Eagle Eye. He remembers the shoes I wore on that date, ones I still have but forgot that I wore that day. I went to do some yardwork one day, put on my kicks and he looked at me like I murdered a baby deer. Once he told me why, I changed my shoes and have only wore them when I'm not going to stop in the mud.

Eagle Eye was a pretty good movie in my opinion. I've watched it a few times after our date, when we weren't together and it always made me smile knowing who I had seen it with. After we watched the movie he told me that he had seen it already. I was mildly upset, not that he had seen it already, but that we could have watched something else since I know how he is about movies and tv shows. He has to forget the details of the movie in order to enjoy it again. I'm the opposite. I have a few favorite movies* that I watch when I'm in a sad or bad mood that always seem to help me forget whatever it was that upset me or at least distract me for the few hours of the movie.

Last night we were watching tv and somehow the conversation got to how he avoided watching Batman for a long time. I didn't know what he was talking about, but I thought it had something to do with the fact that I had went to see The Dark Knight with my ex, shortly after we became exes. I think it was a time that Mr. Fox started to pursue me. So anyway, he says something like he can't be upset because that would make him a hypocrite. To this I asked how? Then he tells me that he went to see our first movie date movie with Bitters. To top it off it was a "celebration" of her bullshit GED.

Needless to say I am all torn up about it. This is a movie that brought me happy thoughts. Both because I enjoy the movie and because I saw it with the love of my life as one of our first dates. Not too long ago I almost bought it on BluRay. Thankfully I didn't or it would be in the trash right now. I hate that everywhere I turn there is something that has to remind me of her. I really wish I could purge her from my life. I understand that in some ways I can't, but it doesn't change the fact that I hate her guts. I'm living in a house that she used to call home. I'm married to a man that she used to be married to. I am raising a daughter that she continues to fuck up.

So now I am in a funk, and I don't think he understands. I know I'll get over it, but I need time to process it. I think what bothers me the most is he purposely kept that information from me for so long, and he knows why he did. Why tell me now? Am I being ridiculous or just a girl?

*Star Trek, 3:10 to Yuma and The Darjeeling Limited

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Time After Time

If I had a time machine
I would give you the keys
Enter the day
That you wish to see

Change the course
Of your current state
Create a new future
Manipulate Fate

No more regret
No more sorrow
The grass is always greener
In your world of tomorrow

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Ain't No Sunshine

Today was a nice day but it's still cloudy. I slept alright last night, had some weird dreams that I can't really remember. I know that my dad and my brother were in it but I don't remember what it was all about. I woke up a little later than usual with the good news that my sister-in-law was going to come over so that Mr. Fox and I could go on a lunch date with some friends. I put some more time in to Ali's hair, because I wasn't sure what time I would get back and I didn't want her to be up late getting her hair did.

I finished up some freelance work, withdrew some money in to my PayPal and started to get ready to leave. The drive was nice, lunch was good except Mr. Fox didn't like what he ordered so we traded plates. So instead of a Chicken Avocado BLT I had the fish tacos. I was going to order them, but then he ordered them so I ordered something different.

After lunch we headed to our friend's apartment. We're starting a new business and want him to be a part of it so it was a good time for Mr. Fox and Fro [Friend] to talk some business. We were also watching the football game. I like watching football because it moves pretty quickly, the guys wear tight pants and the losers go home crying [not really, but I imagine it so]. But I don't know any of the football rules and as I was watching I was confused, I just didn't know that there were so many diva rules to football. That is the most annoying thing with basketball to me, it always seems like someone is crying about who touched them, or when they sell a foul. I like hockey because they get crazy with each other and it's expected. I also like baseball because there is no contact and there's no confusion. Anyway, the home team scored an unexpected touchdown in the last minute so Fro and his girlfriend were crazy excited.

We got home, I finished up Ali's hair, sent off some more work, and interacted with Abby. Nothing too stressful and nothing out of the ordinary, yet for some reason there is this dark cloud lingering. It's not my usual dark cloud that I find comfort in. It's one who's presence is haunting, I keep looking over my shoulder and around corners but so far I have no clue what it is. There is a lot of insecurity going on in my brain right now and I'm not sure if that's what's bothering me or not. I just hope I can figure it out and build my ark before the storm washes me away.

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