I sleep but my mind is restless. I have been having 2 types of dreams as of late. The first is about my grandmother who recently passed. In the dream I can either hear her or see her, but every time I try to talk to her, I can't. Once, she called me and I answered and she couldn't hear me. I could hear her talking to someone else saying that she didn't know what was wrong with the phone, but she couldn't hear anything. Another one is that she was with me and every time I talked, there were crumbs in my mouth and she (1) couldn't stand that I was talking with food in my mouth and (2) couldn't understand what I was trying to say.
I don't know why I am having these dreams. We had some issues that I never fully confronted, but honestly I let them go. I haven't had any of those issues for a while and even though we didn't sit down and talk it out, I didn't think there was a reason to. I loved her and I miss her now, and it hits me in the most random times. She was a constant, one of the roots of my family tree, and she's gone.
The other dream is about his friend. The one who disrespected me and my marriage. The one who not only continued to hit on him through technology, but also in person. The one he is now choosing to work on a project with, without telling me beforehand. The one who he still talks and makes a part of his daily diet. These dreams fuck with me, because I know I will never get the full story, I will never know everything. They are a constant reminder that he is never going to be transparent.
These dreams make me restless. My heart hurts all the time. I can't talk to him about it.
I was changing my clothes yesterday and it hit me that the act of undressing and being intimate is gone. I will never have that in my life again. I will never open myself up and be loved. I don't think I can trust anyone fully ever again. Not with my heart, my soul and my mind. This relationship has forever changed me. Maybe I'll find someone who doesn't have a problem giving me a compliment, maybe that person will wake up and make breakfast and clean the kitchen, maybe they'll be completely transparent in their communications with others, maybe they'll accept me when I cry, when I laugh at inappropriate times, and maybe even not care that I like to burn one down. Maybe they will be and do all of that, but I'll probably still be too broken to see it, or too scared that I'll fall for it again only to have it taken away.
My greatest love story is over, and now it's just me and the rest of my life.