Joe's Head

There are certain parts of my past that I regret. Especially when it comes to Mr. Fox and our past. There are times that I think about things that make me cringe. Times that I know he was waiting in the shadows, loving me from a distance, a distance that I insisted on only to do my dirt as I pleased. I regret all the time we missed out on and the changes in our timeline that could have happened if only I would have jumped.

One of our first dates was a movie. A movie that I really wanted to see, because of my crush on Shia Lebouf, Eagle Eye. He remembers the shoes I wore on that date, ones I still have but forgot that I wore that day. I went to do some yardwork one day, put on my kicks and he looked at me like I murdered a baby deer. Once he told me why, I changed my shoes and have only wore them when I'm not going to stop in the mud.

Eagle Eye was a pretty good movie in my opinion. I've watched it a few times after our date, when we weren't together and it always made me smile knowing who I had seen it with. After we watched the movie he told me that he had seen it already. I was mildly upset, not that he had seen it already, but that we could have watched something else since I know how he is about movies and tv shows. He has to forget the details of the movie in order to enjoy it again. I'm the opposite. I have a few favorite movies* that I watch when I'm in a sad or bad mood that always seem to help me forget whatever it was that upset me or at least distract me for the few hours of the movie.

Last night we were watching tv and somehow the conversation got to how he avoided watching Batman for a long time. I didn't know what he was talking about, but I thought it had something to do with the fact that I had went to see The Dark Knight with my ex, shortly after we became exes. I think it was a time that Mr. Fox started to pursue me. So anyway, he says something like he can't be upset because that would make him a hypocrite. To this I asked how? Then he tells me that he went to see our first movie date movie with Bitters. To top it off it was a "celebration" of her bullshit GED.

Needless to say I am all torn up about it. This is a movie that brought me happy thoughts. Both because I enjoy the movie and because I saw it with the love of my life as one of our first dates. Not too long ago I almost bought it on BluRay. Thankfully I didn't or it would be in the trash right now. I hate that everywhere I turn there is something that has to remind me of her. I really wish I could purge her from my life. I understand that in some ways I can't, but it doesn't change the fact that I hate her guts. I'm living in a house that she used to call home. I'm married to a man that she used to be married to. I am raising a daughter that she continues to fuck up.

So now I am in a funk, and I don't think he understands. I know I'll get over it, but I need time to process it. I think what bothers me the most is he purposely kept that information from me for so long, and he knows why he did. Why tell me now? Am I being ridiculous or just a girl?

*Star Trek, 3:10 to Yuma and The Darjeeling Limited

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