Ain't No Sunshine

Today was a nice day but it's still cloudy. I slept alright last night, had some weird dreams that I can't really remember. I know that my dad and my brother were in it but I don't remember what it was all about. I woke up a little later than usual with the good news that my sister-in-law was going to come over so that Mr. Fox and I could go on a lunch date with some friends. I put some more time in to Ali's hair, because I wasn't sure what time I would get back and I didn't want her to be up late getting her hair did.

I finished up some freelance work, withdrew some money in to my PayPal and started to get ready to leave. The drive was nice, lunch was good except Mr. Fox didn't like what he ordered so we traded plates. So instead of a Chicken Avocado BLT I had the fish tacos. I was going to order them, but then he ordered them so I ordered something different.

After lunch we headed to our friend's apartment. We're starting a new business and want him to be a part of it so it was a good time for Mr. Fox and Fro [Friend] to talk some business. We were also watching the football game. I like watching football because it moves pretty quickly, the guys wear tight pants and the losers go home crying [not really, but I imagine it so]. But I don't know any of the football rules and as I was watching I was confused, I just didn't know that there were so many diva rules to football. That is the most annoying thing with basketball to me, it always seems like someone is crying about who touched them, or when they sell a foul. I like hockey because they get crazy with each other and it's expected. I also like baseball because there is no contact and there's no confusion. Anyway, the home team scored an unexpected touchdown in the last minute so Fro and his girlfriend were crazy excited.

We got home, I finished up Ali's hair, sent off some more work, and interacted with Abby. Nothing too stressful and nothing out of the ordinary, yet for some reason there is this dark cloud lingering. It's not my usual dark cloud that I find comfort in. It's one who's presence is haunting, I keep looking over my shoulder and around corners but so far I have no clue what it is. There is a lot of insecurity going on in my brain right now and I'm not sure if that's what's bothering me or not. I just hope I can figure it out and build my ark before the storm washes me away.
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Never Enough

Fuck I forgot about this song....

This was my song in the worst of times, windows down driving home from a night shift. Kept me from contemplating suicide because it allowed me to rage the fuck out without getting all weepy.

And then this...The fucking guitar just sings to meeeee

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I have always been one to leave rather than be consumed by whatever it is that is causing my distress. I choose to remove myself from situations that require more time and energy than I have to put in. Sometimes I leave prematurely and sometimes it's way too late.

My heart has been broken since before I even knew what love was. Lies and unfulfilled promises damaged and bruised my spirit. Hope is a foreign concept to me and faith is somewhere over a rainbow that never appears.

I don't believe that coming from divorced parents affects me in a major way, I was too young to see their highs or their lows and it always seemed natural to me that they weren't together. The thought of them together or even in love is a lot more mind bending. I grew up with immigrant grandparents that came from a generation that believed in hard work and doing what was necessary to take care of themselves. This left little room for love, reassurance, and the many life lessons that others seem to have been blessed with. My dad called as often as he could, and if he was living in the state he would pick me up on the weekends. I love my Papa Bear very dearly and I don't believe that I have any daddy issues. My mom however is a different story. Not too long after her divorce from my dad she was with another guy, they moved to another city. She was able to live her life with no baggage. Her two daughters were fed and clothed and the arrangement seemed to be beneficial for her. She always tells me of how much it hurt her to leave us or not have us, but I can't seem to empathize with her. Of course I was a child, and I'll never really know all of the aspects of the situation, but it seemed like she never even tried.

This past summer I was contemplating allowing Ali to stay in 813 where she could be with her Nana and my mother, where she would get the attention and a life that I felt I wasn't providing. It absolutely broke my heart to even think of her staying somewhere without me in her life. Since she's been born I've been the primary caretaker, I've had a lot of help from friends and family along the way, but the majority of the responsibility fell on my shoulders. Her dad has never had the same convictions to care for his daughter to the best of his ability. He never tried...a bit like how I view my mother. I thought that the best way to take care of my family was allowing my first true love to live outside of my home. What hurt just the same was knowing that while she was somewhere else I would be putting my time and energy in to Yah who could give two shits about what I do for her. In the end I decided I would give it another shot, and that I would try to make sure Ali got all of the love and attention that she needed.

I have not made the best decisions in life. Mistakes to include: Cheating, Lying, Stealing, Sex, Drugs and Rock-n-Roll. Well the closest I got to R-n-R was Rockband, but at one point I kicked ass on those fake ass drums! I have had 2 children out of wedlock. I've never been to jail. I've never even been in a fight, I guess my height and stature has always been intimidating enough. I've tried to help people whenever they need it, whether its helping friends move after being up for over 24 hours, pushing a Buick [by myself] because a lady was stuck in the middle of the road, or creating resumes for those that are unemployed. I have been honest and respectful, I look at the bigger picture. I care enough about my children that even though I don't spank as often as I should, I believe in discipline. I believe in providing all of their needs and a few of their wants. I believe in common courtesy and I possess a decent amount of common sense. I am good and I am evil, dark and light, fair and unjust. I am human. Imperfect from my first breath until my last.

It's times like today, when I am consumed with fear that I will never be everything you want, that I want to leave. I want to run until I can run no further. It's not to say that I don't want to stay, because I do with all of my heart and soul. But I would rather hurt from being alone than from never being fully accepted.

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You Can't Always Get What You Want

To start, I'm a pretty sensitive person. I, at times, take things personal or make them more than what they are worth. However right now I feel pretty justified in my hurt feelings. I can't really talk to Mr. Fox about it because it feels like he hears me as complaining or talking crap about his daughter. I don't know if that is actually how he feels, but I know not too long ago Ali couldn't do anything right and it seemed like every time something was said about her it was negative, and I was just overwhelmed with sadness for my daughter. Here I go moving her away from everyone and everything she knows. I throw her in to a house with people who only seem to be irritated by her presence and she can't even catch a break. So one day, after hearing yet another story of how she blew Mr. Fox's sister's mind about something and then hearing Yah be unreasonably rude to her I took her out of the house for a smoothie and to just talk to her.

I talked about how I kept giving passes to Yah because so many things have changed in her life and somehow I forgot that it's changed just as well for her. Maybe not to the same degree, but in a child's life change is change. I explained to her that she has to be aware of other people's feelings and attitudes. If someone starts to have an attitude, leave them alone. Don't put yourself in a position to have your feelings hurt. Don't follow after someone who can't even respect you enough to acknowledge your words and respond without an attitude, if they respond at all. I also let her know that things are different in the things that I expect from her. She's older and she's a big sister and she can't be so rambunctious. We had a pretty good day. I was able to get away from all of the tension and stress in the house. I was able to take out the main stress inducer and hopefully give Mr. Fox and Yah a break as well as some time together.

Of course this blew up in my face. Yah made comments to Mr. Fox that I never take her anywhere and why wasn't she allowed to go and normal things a kid would say. I had my reasons for not taking her, and the main reason was stress. The couple of times that I have taken her and Ali somewhere she's been rude to Ali, she walks a distance away from us, she wanders off to look at stuff and gets dramatic if Ali follows, and she sulks and has her arms crossed the whole time. So why would I want to take her? My main goal was to allow her time to breath and spend time with her dad, but of course all she saw was that she was treated differently. Well, that road runs two ways.

Ali is a positive extrovert who usually means well, even if she's over the top. I'm used to dealing with that type of kid. Yah is an introvert and moody, and I am not used to it. Last year it caused a lot of stress for me dealing with the change of moving in with someone, being pregnant, becoming a Step Mom to someone who became defensive with me and just dealing with the emotions and attitude from her. Most of it was the pregnancy, I felt a whole lot better when I wasn't growing a human inside of me. I was able to be calmer and more patient and try to be less sensitive.

This year has started out pretty good, and I was really hoping it would continue, but after only a month I'm worried it's fallen back in to scary territory. Yah is at each parent's house alternating weeks. The first week she wanted to spend at her mom's, the second week she was here it was normal. Last week was her mom's and this week just started yesterday and I am looking forward to Monday. From the second she walked in the door on Monday she had an attitude. She hasn't said hello to me once and this morning when I said bye to them, she walked right past me and out the door. I almost stuck my head out the door and asked her why she felt the need to be rude so early in the damn morning. But I left it alone, because if she's going to start her day off shitty, it won't be because of me she's capable of it all by herself.

For her birthday I went out of my way and baked her a three layer red velvet cake with cheesecake for the middle layer. I don't even like cheesecake, but I made it because that's what she wanted. I spent way over my budget for her school clothes and supplies while her mom sat back and talked shit. I've been worried about how her hair is because her mom put a chemical in it. Every day that I've seen her dropped off at the bus stop by her mom she looks like she stuck a fork in the socket and her hair is still sizzling. I felt bad because I don't want the kids at school talking crap about it. I also wondered why she didn't tell her mom about it frizzing up and being crazy, because whenever I've done her hair that's one of the first things she asks me about, "What do I do if it frizzes up?". I've done all of these things because I do care about her and her well being. I want her to have cake on her birthday and if I could have done more I would have. These are what I do for my children, and even though nobody thinks so I do consider her one of mine.

But what did I get for my birthday? She text me that day to ask if we were going to pick her up to go to Mr. Fox Senior's House [he was supposed to have a cookout, but he never got back with us]. Before she left she made it clear she knew the date of my birthday [the 3rd] and the day [Monday] and the fact that I would be able to spend my birthday with Ali. But did she wish me a happy birthday? Nope. The next day on the bus she told Ali that she knew it was my birthday but forgot to text me and she would call me to tell me happy birthday. Did she do it? Nope. So the next morning I took Ali to the bus stop and she came up and said happy belated birthday. Did I care at that point? Nope.

So of course when she got here on Monday I asked her if she asks her mom about what to do with her hair since it's frizzed up. She said, "What frizz?" to which I pointed to her head and said, "All of that frizz". She said, "Oh when it's out I want it to frizz up, it's just if it's put back I don't want it to frizz." What the fuck kind of logic is that? I would rather have a few frizzies on my head than my whole head of hair to be sticking out in all different directions.  Whatever, so I put it in two braids. I have an extensive hairstyle planned [flat twist updo] but with homework and running the house I don't have the time to put in to it yet, so I planned to do it this weekend after I deep condition her hair. I didn't do Ali's hair last night, so this morning I put her hair in a ponytail this morning and as I was putting it in Yah asked if she needed to wet her sides. I told her no. Water is just going to make it frizz up more, and her hair wasn't even that frizzy. I guess that's what pissed her off this morning, because last year Bitters kept talking shit about how I would do Ali's hair in the morning and not Yah's. Uh, you dumb bitch, Yah's hair stays in a style. If I don't do Ali's hair I have to do it in the morning. But of course I can't do shit right by anyone. So now I feel like I should just take her hair out of the braids and put it back in the style her mom had it in. Since no matter what I do it just isn't enough for her.

I don't know where to go from here or how to navigate my way through all of this. If she was Ali I would have set her straight this morning and every other time she's gotten attitude with me. But I feel like I have to be more patient and accepting of her attitude and it's wearing me thin. I don't really have anyone to talk about it to. I can't talk to Mr. Fox, none of my friends have experience dealing with step-children, my mom doesn't have that experience either. I could ask my dad, but I dunno. I'm just going to keep my distance I guess and try to figure out what to do. I am going to confront her about this morning and the afternoons when she feels like she doesn't have to acknowledge my presence. I am going to tell her that it hurt my feelings about the birthday thing, and I'm going to tell her that she can't treat people like crap and then expect things from them. Or maybe I won't since I'm not one for confrontation. Like I said, I'm just lost about it all.
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