My heart has been broken since before I even knew what love was. Lies and unfulfilled promises damaged and bruised my spirit. Hope is a foreign concept to me and faith is somewhere over a rainbow that never appears.
I don't believe that coming from divorced parents affects me in a major way, I was too young to see their highs or their lows and it always seemed natural to me that they weren't together. The thought of them together or even in love is a lot more mind bending. I grew up with immigrant grandparents that came from a generation that believed in hard work and doing what was necessary to take care of themselves. This left little room for love, reassurance, and the many life lessons that others seem to have been blessed with. My dad called as often as he could, and if he was living in the state he would pick me up on the weekends. I love my Papa Bear very dearly and I don't believe that I have any daddy issues. My mom however is a different story. Not too long after her divorce from my dad she was with another guy, they moved to another city. She was able to live her life with no baggage. Her two daughters were fed and clothed and the arrangement seemed to be beneficial for her. She always tells me of how much it hurt her to leave us or not have us, but I can't seem to empathize with her. Of course I was a child, and I'll never really know all of the aspects of the situation, but it seemed like she never even tried.
This past summer I was contemplating allowing Ali to stay in 813 where she could be with her Nana and my mother, where she would get the attention and a life that I felt I wasn't providing. It absolutely broke my heart to even think of her staying somewhere without me in her life. Since she's been born I've been the primary caretaker, I've had a lot of help from friends and family along the way, but the majority of the responsibility fell on my shoulders. Her dad has never had the same convictions to care for his daughter to the best of his ability. He never tried...a bit like how I view my mother. I thought that the best way to take care of my family was allowing my first true love to live outside of my home. What hurt just the same was knowing that while she was somewhere else I would be putting my time and energy in to Yah who could give two shits about what I do for her. In the end I decided I would give it another shot, and that I would try to make sure Ali got all of the love and attention that she needed.
I have not made the best decisions in life. Mistakes to include: Cheating, Lying, Stealing, Sex, Drugs and Rock-n-Roll. Well the closest I got to R-n-R was Rockband, but at one point I kicked ass on those fake ass drums! I have had 2 children out of wedlock. I've never been to jail. I've never even been in a fight, I guess my height and stature has always been intimidating enough. I've tried to help people whenever they need it, whether its helping friends move after being up for over 24 hours, pushing a Buick [by myself] because a lady was stuck in the middle of the road, or creating resumes for those that are unemployed. I have been honest and respectful, I look at the bigger picture. I care enough about my children that even though I don't spank as often as I should, I believe in discipline. I believe in providing all of their needs and a few of their wants. I believe in common courtesy and I possess a decent amount of common sense. I am good and I am evil, dark and light, fair and unjust. I am human. Imperfect from my first breath until my last.
It's times like today, when I am consumed with fear that I will never be everything you want, that I want to leave. I want to run until I can run no further. It's not to say that I don't want to stay, because I do with all of my heart and soul. But I would rather hurt from being alone than from never being fully accepted.